PLEASE PASS THE CHOLESTEROL
I’ve been trying to be a real good girl: taking the skin off my chicken and the fat off my meat. Eating lentils and legumes, grains and grapefruit. Using skim-milk, fat-free mayonnaise and only the whites of my eggs. Avoiding at all costs Alfredo sauce, French fries and most of all, Fiddle Faddle.
I’ve learned that pasta is poison, ribs are a sin, butter is pretty much illegal and bacon causes instant death. Dessert of any kind is out of the question except on your birthday. Coffee’s bad. Popcorn’s bad. Pizza’s bad. And if you’re caught with a Fry Baby, it’s ten to life.
In fact, I’ve been so good that the last big treat I afforded myself was back in ‘96. I remember I had 3 of Pop’s Old Fashioned Fat-Free Cholesterol-Free Sugar-Free Sodium-Free Carbohydrate-Free Calorie-Free MSG-Free Artificially-Flavored Extra-Fancy Nacho Chips El Supremo Grande, enriched with Riboflavin. They were delicious.
And I’ve been thinking.....
I NEED CHOLESTEROL!
I need to feel rich, gooey, warm cheese melting on my tongue. I need to fill my mouth with layers and layers of egg slices, their delicate yolks resplendent with cholesterol. I want cream - fresh and thick, with every drop of fat intact - pouring from the carton like silken streams of liquid ivory. I must have butter - the real thing, sweet and pale yellow, teeming with calories. And bacon! Oh Lord, give me bacon!
So if you wouldn’t mind, please pass the Cholesterol Casserole. I’ll be good tomorrow.
CHOLESTEROL CASSEROLE, LOADED
4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) sweet butter
2 large onions, sliced
8 hard-boiled eggs, sliced
3/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup grated Cheddar cheese
1 teaspoon prepared brown mustard
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
4 slices bacon, cooked until crispy
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a medium skillet, melt butter. Add onions and sauté until lightly golden.
Spoon half of onion mixture into ungreased casserole dish. Layer half the egg slices on top. Repeat.
In a medium bowl, mix remaining ingredients together except for bacon. Spoon over the egg mixture. Bake 12 - 15 minutes. Turn oven to broil and cook until lightly browned. Top with crumbled bacon. Serves 4 - 6.